To kill time in the car during trips, Deborah and I brainstormed “sayings” that we could include at the start of each section in our book. Here are a bunch that didn’t make the book:

Too bad that there isn’t a stupid tax deduction on federal taxes. Most of us would have a pile of money coming back!

With my luck when the lime light finally shines on me it will just reveal all the wrinkles and gray roots.

Everyone should be a bridge; it’s great to be walked on, driven over and used as a bathroom by birds and other two legged creatures.

If someone does you wrong don’t do anything crazy; just write it down – preferably on their car with spray paint.

Be kind to mean people – nothing messes with their mind more.

I don’t why anyone would rather be the bug or the windshield, I’d rather be the windshield washer.

Even a three year old knows the difference between good decisions and bad decisions; too bad I’m not longer three.

Don’t worry about doing something stupid, few people will know – unless it’s caught on video!

Kids are great at lying about something they’ve done and saying it was an accident; I found that it works great at work too…

They say that a river won’t sing without the rocks in it; it must work on swimming pools too ‘cause you should hear my neighbor sing when he finds the rocks that I toss in there at night.

Silence can really be golden, but chances are if you open your mouth the moment will be rusty steel.

Complaining about your credit card bill is like when your kid hands you a poop-stained underwear and says it’s your fault. Who cares whose fault it is at this point – that’s just wrong!

Here the thing about a difficult child: When you’re at work you really miss them. When you’re at home you really miss work.

No matter how good we have it, we always find something to complain about.

Always pick ugly friends. They’ll make you look good. Really good.

People are about as stupid as their friends are.

Don’t hang out with stupid people, or you will find yourself acting just like them.

Going towards the light may not always be a good thing. Ask the dead flies that are stuck on your bug zapper.

They say change is good. A tornado makes a lot of changes. But you can bet that your insurance company won’t like any of them.

Laughing till it hurts is great…except when your hairpiece is the butt of the joke.

Less is truly more. Ask any woman standing on the bathroom scale.

If the best isn’t good enough, stick with mediocre. It’s easier to achieve and just as satisfying.

People spend a lot of effort putting lip stick on pigs. They taste the same either way (the pigs that is).

What you do with your money says a lot more about you than how you earn your money, unless you happen to hug a pole and wear dollar bills in your costume.

I’d rather be devious than pretty. But I’m over 50, so what choice do I have?

Good luck takes a lot of hard work. Bad luck takes no effort at all.

Most everything about money on the television is pure…pure crap that is.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as is her husband’s fist.

Life may be a bowl of cherries, but I’d rather be eating apple pie.

The winning team usually gets just as beat up as the losers. I’d rather have a hot dog and a front row seat.

Wild horses are great…until you wake up in the hospital with a hoof print on your face.

White teeth are great…until the bartender hands you yours in a plastic bag.

While I don’t like being labeled a consumer, I sure do enjoy consuming a frosty cold brew.